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Tag Archives: why

is falling back to sleep twice after waking up considered sleep deprivation? I recently wasn’t able to sleep because was scared to dream. I was lost for a bit and at the botom of a mountain but am now finding a path up the mountain. thinkers say “everything happens for a reason” as true as it may be, every song playing on shuffle right now keeps talking about the same thing, Why? & When?& Change? and other things that irrelevant to this, but the two times today and yesterday I had two instances; 4 in total, where I awoke and fell back asleep due to a crazy and unsatisfying portion of my dream that made no sense what so ever. I did some research on a happy portion of the dream but refused to look at the bad side of it, did that mean that my optimistic look of thing weighed in factor, that I only choose to see the good. is this even a healthy way to look at things? I can see the beauty in a lot of things, but not this time so I awake from my slumber and wonder, what does it mean? is it good or bad? in that process fall back asleep and awake with someone or something finally waking me up because it is late in the day. I know physically everything feels okay with me but medically I am not so sure, people say I should get a little help and/or talk to someone, but every time I make the attempt too, I get judged, shot down, ridiculed, laughed at, say I am many things I am not. what is up with that? I have learned that WE ALL need someone in our life to help us grow, learn, live, laugh or love but too what extreme? with ending I know we can not see what is ahead in the future but seems as if “it always rains hardest on those who deserve the most sun.” – Jill Conner

waking up O_o


DISPAIR is defined as the complete loss or absence of hope. why does this seem to be happening to me right now; everything was well, but i am not to sure it is just that, i think this feeling is based on Newton’s Law where “to every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.” i am not perfect; i know this; this has been very hard for me to accept for many years and now that i do, different situations pop up, WHAT IS THIS?! WHY? WHO? WHAT? WHERE? & HOW? i don’t know what this feeling is and how to explain it? why is this happening to me? what can i do to change this? where do i go from this slum? and how do i reach this goal? help me understand this algorithm, if i could get a bit of help, i would really like to take charge and change this, insanity is not very pretty. if possible can you lead me to the correct path. this would be very helpful to me. and this could be something to know in the future


I sit here and I can not help but think: WHY?! why is it that I am changing my mind about what I want to do? I choose “this” because it was good for me; was it really?! or was it because I was told to do it because anything “I” wanted to do was a joke to most. as iI mentioned to my -other self- it is my turn to shine, NO MATTER WHAT! why must i kill myself to make ‘them’ happy when what I ask for is too much and get sent on a wild chase in the ‘pen’. THIS stops now! no more, I am putting my foot down, will ‘they’ ACCEPT or DENY? what it may be; I am not pushed over the edge anymore, how much more sacrifice do ‘you’ need? i am giving you my blood and sweat BUT you can not and will not take my heart or soul. I am very close to what my heart and soul desire and then it’s PEACE! and I will not have to speak to that typical mustache face of yours anymore. with a bit more research I will choose of you; like it or not I am going to choose correctly because I RUN ME and THAT’S IT!!


Here is a list of Top 10 Country songs that I have deliberated for 3 hours.

  1. Meyberry – Rascal Flatts
  2. Amazed – Lonestar
  3. Winner At A Losing Game – Rascal Flatts
  4. Stay With Me (Brass Bed) – Josh Gracin
  5. Live Like You Were Dying – Tim McGraw
  6. She’s My Kind of Rain – Tim McGraw
  7. Carrying You Love – George Strait
  8. Nothin’ To Lose – Josh Gracin
  9. Mud On The Tires – Brad Paiseley
  10. Boot Scootin’ Boogie – Brooks & Dunn

After much deliberation, thats my Top 10 list.


I was driving and was coming up to the light at hilderbran and blanco (where my aunt lives near by) and a old guy with glasses and a long with beard was in front of me and asked if i could take him somewhere and the light turned green, I punched the gas but was going very slowly, look in the side mirror to see him trying to get in the back seat of my car and not saying anything, tried to shake the car to knock him off but no go he got inside and I slowed down and asked him to get out of my car 3 times. then I woke up to a racing heart.

what the hell does this mean?