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well its been about a week now, it was time to get stuff done for a change, i am starting off the new year with some not so great news, in these past two months our family has lost three people because of illnesses. i don’t know what else is happening around the world, just in my world. we received a phone call early in the morning about the passing away of a cousins’ child. he passed away of leukemia. a few days ago we had another relative pass away with aids; i did mention it before in my previous blogs. then we received news of my uncle being admitted in the hospital for unrelated occurrences. my parents had to go out of the state and well, country. i did have a great conversation and i am super glad i was able to talk to you today, like i told you there are days i just don’t know what to say. i do miss our long talks we used to have. there are a few things i wish for but i will have to wait and see what will happen. i have to go attend to my family right now. good night and happy dreaming.

O_o

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i think i have a slight guess of what you may be saying. you did what you did because you had too. maybe you should forgive yourself but that is just me thinking out load. i don’t want what happened to make you want to crumble because of me. i know you well enough to know you are strong and you have proven to me that you are capable of doing extraordinary things, with help or without. i did all i could to make you see that and it showed. maybe i was just a stepping stone for you to see the full potential that you have in you. i do wish the best for you. i can’t dictate what my heart wants but can only decide to do this out of the kindness of my heart. good luck with everything.

in other related news, i received a phone call after work with a few questions that followed. it was one of the applications i put in along with my resume and was asked if it was current, i didn’t realize it was over a year an a half old that i hadn’t updated the thing. maybe now with an updated form of my last year, i can show what i have come to accomplish. i have been exhausted these past two days from only getting several hours of sleep, not the full requirement. i feel so old that instead of me taking a nap today, i actually fell asleep for about four hours. the crazy thing is i am still very tired and i am already ready for bed. it is very early and i do wish all a good night and happy dreams.

really tired O_o

i think i finally figured it out! i know what was said and i do believe it did have something to do with me. iam sure i did do something that i just realized from looking back these past few week(s). how stupid could i have been to do what i did and dian’t even realize i was subconsciously doing it. i know you were apologizing but to be honest i feel that i know now, i should be the one apologizing to you. everything i have written and told you was the truth. but again i hate myself now more then ever for doing what i did. if you are reading this it is because i think i was trying to show my parents that you were the right person for me. as we went on i kept getting scared to tell you how i truly felt about you, because of what you told me the first couple of weeks of being together. i thought i would wait for just the right and perfect moment to tell you. like i said i was super scared and i took a leap and you have been the only one to accept me for who i really am and my flaws (i hope.) and you have been the only one who has made me feel things i never knew existed and felt as if i was flying. the only thing i can say is i am very sorry. i didn’t understand then and it feels like i am understanding little by little now. i do hope that you can accept my apology and as you may know i have been very considerate of your feelings, i have tried to stay away from my computer to not post something that could ruin a friendship that i want to have with you. i still do care very much about you, just know i may not show it but i feel it. just in case you were wondering i got the internship, it is not at the place where i really wanted but they accepted me, i have been doing okay, nothing special besides the internship but just trying to get better. i hope you can understand. thanks for taking the time to read this; if you do.

sorry O_o

it says to be truthful; so here goes, i have been bombarded with questions of me not working, to be honest i really don’t like having a boss or someone shoving me around, i really like the idea of me being my own boss. it is a tough thing to do but starting today i am now an entrepreneur! my only job that i really like was; sadly enough; abrecrombie, even though i had a boss, he really wasn’t a boss to me, he gave me power to be my own boss and because of him i joined the corporation for two years but once he was gone i lost that privilege. i was working just to be able to listen to the music. crazy to say but it is true, my inspiration to be a better dj was in the store. even when he was gone i was taken of my “title” but it was only stripped for a short time, when the rotation of four new managers came in, three of them gave me that power and had the same passion for music as i did and things went back to normal. i was able to be happy working, everyone hated me; like always; because i was able to release some of my mixes live on the sales floor. it felt really great when people came up to me and asked me questions about my love for music. i am slowly getting that feeling back, i have remastered an old project that i had started because a friend and her friends liked my stuff and asked if i would ever release a new type of mix, from way back in the day when i started to now there has been a whole new music list that needs to be updated. i am still in the editing process and it still isn’t right, in my ears. to me a dj is someone who can adapt to anything, which i have been able to with all my genres of music. everyone i know likes more of a specific type of music and they all have different taste, i personally wouldn’t be able to choose one, i like them all, even though there are a few exceptions. i have been taught that i should love what i do instead of taking the easy way out; they are right! i have read a few things and do like what i have read. it is a completely different way of life but every survey i take comes up with the same answer(s). i know i can’t be what i dream of being but maybe it is a different significance with the same attitude, may not make sense now but if and when i am done; i will be my own boss and make my own rules and will be able to say something that is at the tip of my tongue right now and i have always wanted to say. in conclusion i am getting closer to what i was meant to be.

to me being me O_o