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Tag Archives: thought

i just got out of the shower with a refreshed feeling. i feel as is i have washed away a few weights of my shoulders and feel that what i wrote early had been picking at my finger tips to get out. i have normally stayed quiet about a lot of things, i think it is time for a change. it is time for me to be outspoken. getting tired of never having a voice or being heard. this ends now. i hope everyone had a good day but it is time for me to get some rest and hit the books again tomorrow. be safe. have a good night and sleep well with sweet dreams.

O_o

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what a change of events today has been. i woke up really early thinking i was going to be late for class when i looked at my phone clock i had just remembered then that i had forgotten to change that one and was able to slow down my heart from racing. while on the way to school i took my normal route when all of a sudden there was a ton of traffic. i was still able to make it to school on time, which i was glad for. just as i had sat down at my desk four classmates had asked me what we had done last thursday. i think they asked because they have always seen me takes notes while they text and talk with each other during class. we were finally going over what i had been waiting since last class for. got to talk about buddha. with my recent change in views because of buddhist views on life i just stayed there quiet in my seat while the professor asked questions about him. but also in my defense i could’t multitask and answer the question and write the notes. i didn’t want to lose my train of thought. after school i headed off to work and did what was asked without hesitation. i am actually content with what i am doing. i could be making a bigger difference in the world, i just wont know until i see it. after work i get home and i am called from beneath the house and someone yelling at me to shut off the water valve. apparently twenty five years after a pipe was installed it finally gave in and burst. we caught it just in time before it flooded under the house. changed out of my work clothes and hopped into something more older that i could throw away later after getting dirty. well long story short after visiting four stores and five hours later i was finally able to fix the flooding from under the house from happening. i will have to transfer my notes later tomorrow during work and have them ready for next class. just got done getting ready for bed and going to have a light snack since i skipped dinner. i hope all had a way better day. for now; good night and sweet dreams to you.

O_o

 

what a spiraling day, it all started last night while dreaming; i was able to some how control the dream and what i did. it was as if my thought had a thought, i know it is hard to explain but it kind of reminded me of inception the movie, where they went into a dream state and in that dream state they had gone into another. i was thinking of what to do and my body would do just as i thought it. it was as if i could control my world. before i could get to controlling my dream i was woken up by my alarm. it was time for me to get up and get ready for school. after getting ready had some time and tried out the new coffee i had bought yesterday. it was really good. took off for school and learned a little bit more on the what was going on before the depression. i was awake, alert, excited to learn and what felt like a good mood. after leaving school to work i was early and decided to take some time and drive. made it to work and after heading inside is when the spiral of events began. everything went from good to bad to good to bad to good. by the time i knew it it was already time to go home. even though everything was spiraling out of control i remembered my dream and how i was controlling the dream, i did just that, i took the time to enjoy the slow traffic, in a sense that i was able to think in peace, without being distracted like usual when i get home. i had a lot to catch up on from school and work. i am taking time to get a really good grade, i am tired of failing. i don’t want to be a failure anymore. even though writing in my strong suit; i have too. i think i will be asking for help because i don’t know how to go about my research paper. i got the information but where do i sart; sort of thing. it is getting hard for me to think even though it is early. i just want to sleep. already ready for bed and going to sleep early. i hope all had a good day. good night and sweet dreams.

O_o

 

today didn’t go as expected, i didn’t expect what actually happened. i have been taken responsibility for my words that come out of my mouth and will stick to what i say. no more holding back. it is time to do what i said i was going to do (you know), i have been wrecking my brain. even though opinions are out there i have to see both sides of everything now. time to buckle down and find my meaning in this life. got to take these small steps one at a time. “if at first you don’t succeed get up and try again.” i hope i can keep this promise as we discussed a while back. =o)

to a brain thinking O_o

today i was woken up really, really early by my parents at six in the morning to be exact just for them to tell me that they were here to pick up my aunt to go see my uncle in mexico because he had a surgery or a clinical test or something of that nature, i would have joined them but i don’t have my passport yet, when i last tried to get it i was late by four minutes and the next day it would cost way too much to afford at the time. any who, i picked up a friend of mine and took tumbler for a swim. spent some time trying to teach tumbler (my dog) how to swim, he picked it up really fast and stayed in the water for a good amount of time. i got my feet wet too. while there there was people, well a guy leering at us for trying to teach my dog how to swim, i was just waiting for him to say something but what i assume he was afraid of the dog, maybe had a bad experience, like i did, where i nearly got my arms ripped off a long time ago by my cousins dog. i survived and just have some nerve damage but i still have full function in my hands and arms. the crazy thing about that day is the i never shed a tear, could have been that i was in shock, but i was fascinated by the cuts and blood, ever since then not much has bothered me physically. it felt good just to finally do something with my summer, i have been cooped up all summer in the house concentrating on my studies. got back home and no one was home and took a nap with tumbler after dropping my friend off. in conclusion i know it might be too late to start anything new because summer is coming to an end really quick and school is just around the bend, which i am very excited for. =)

to summers eve O_o

last night got me thinking, while on the way home a guy in a red charger wanted to race me; not sure why but he did, even though i should have and lost with dignity; i didn’t! i needed a tune up really bad. i fell asleep last night randomly and when i woke up it was morning, got up left my phone and computer behind and went to work. first had to bust open my brothers’ lady first, mine was nothing but parts i could easily do, took several hours and completely changed his rear brakes to new ones. next i started on the out side of shelby and worked my way back. finally finished and she purs and runs like a beast on wheels, two more things to do tomorrow and she will be good and ready. not sure for what but she’ll be ready. it reminded me of a movie i need to re-watch because it is a top favorite, i can just about recite every line in the movie. i stayed offline for the whole day, while i was under the hood and what not i forgot about the world or the world forgot about me, but what is even crazier only one person asked me if i was still alive. it got me thinking, would i really be missed if i was gone? in conclusion just wondering?!

thoughts O_o

everyone always talks about time as if it is something we can control, how time works i really don’t know, came across something today; “time doesn’t heal anything, it just teaches us how to live with the pain.” – Naomi Remen, which i find to be true, i have said it before and i will say it again, i have seen my version of hell and back and i don’t like it one bit, i would never wish anything i have seen or done upon someone. there are things that i have seen and have happen that i wish no one would ever have to go through, but i guess if it doesn’t happen, we wouldn’t be able to learn to change or fix situations. talking about things does help, but the person you really want to talk can’t help in any which way or form. does the perception they have of the situation help any by repeating it? or does the advice given be taken or heard when the situation at hand has never happen to them?? i am just trying to do the best thing but am i doing the right thing??? everyone always says “follow you heart” and some concur that the heart is just an organ unlike the brain which has a side that no one can see but oneself and listen to it too. can it be that giving up is the answer, some say it’s a lost cause and is not my burden to carry but when in reality it is as much burden as anyone else? i am feeling that i am becoming something i said i would never be, how or what can i do to change this?? if anyone has ever felt this way, what is the best advice that can be passed on? in conclusion, do i speak and ask for help or do i keep my mouth shut and carry on my day, like any other?!?!

to feeling … O_o

today had to have been one of the 3rd hardest day i had ever had to go through. the test this morning practically gave me an aneurysm, my head nearly exploded by thinking so much. i pulled through but am disappointed in myself, i know i could have done better, but at the same time i know i did all i could. i am unsure of my grade, so i decided no matter what i am going to retake that class again for the fall semester, it will still be fresh in my brain that i think i can pull a “B’ average or maybe an “A” if i really work hard rather then a low “C” or a “D” which i can’t handle on my GPA. i looked more into my class schedule and will be going monday through friday with four classes and on top of all that an internship, where i have to choose somewhere to work. i am still undecided and need to make a decision fairly quickly. & i thought my day couldn’t get any worse; it did! turns out when i got back home my parents, well mainly my mom had just finished wiping her tears because her eyes were pink from letting the water flow. i knew from what she had told me yesterday something was wrong, sure enough, i was right. my uncles treatment had absolutely no effect on him and has to have more test done. alcoholism is an ugly thing, it scares me when i see it in my family, how it must be for others. i have seen hell and more and refuse to take part and me myself drink. wine is a different story because it helps the heart throughout the years. i am unsure if he will be able to recover from this and it doesn’t help that another hurricane is coming in and he lives near where they are evacuating families in mexico. one hand i see he found this and deserves it but on the other he is my uncle and my family and needs our help. even though we are so far away i am unsure we will one day get that dreaded phone call giving us some bad news. but i am unsure what will happen… dont know what my life is coming too either. in conclusion i hope there is something good from this, i hope he learns too, it is sad and wish he can be saved.

to never knowing O_o

10 years ago…

How old were you? 13

Where did you go to school? Spring Branch MS – 8th grade

Where did you work? didn’t, wasn’t old enough too

Where did you live? in Bulverde

Where did you hang out? mall, theaters, school football games

How was your hair? short

Did you wear glasses? yes

Who was your best friend(s)? too many

Who was your crush? a 9th grader

How many tattoos did you have? none

How many piercings did you have? none

What car did you drive? couldn’t

What was your worst fear? clowns

Had you been arrested? nope

Had your heart been broken? wasn’t allowed to date
Now…
How old are you? 23

Where do you work? self employed

Where do you live? San Antonio

Where do you hang out? anywhere my car takes me

Do you wear glasses? rarely but contacts mostly

How is your hair? super short

Who are your best friends? 2 people

Still talk to any of your old friends? on occasion

Who is your current interest? no one

How many tattoos? none

How many piercings do you have? none

What kind of car do you drive?   Shelby my Nissan

What is your biggest fear? life & the world

Have you been arrested since, if so, how many times? still a nope

Has your heart been broken since then? yeah

Held a snake? no

Sang karaoke? yes

Laughed until you started crying? yes, kill myself sometimes

Do you cook? yes

being random O_o

am I in trouble? was I ever there? when should I be? did it? was it? there is? every song heard is kind of scaring me right now, they are all answering of these questions in my head that I am afraid to say out loud or even write, the funny thing is I am normally a happy-pusher next when my music is set to shuffle and I have yet to touch the skip to next song. I can finally hear all the lyrics and they make sense.

“can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? because I could really use a wish right now!” – BoB

“the smell of you in every dream I dream, I knew if we collided, your the one I decided whose one of my kind” – Train

“if I could rewind both hands of time, I would never find a lovelier design, nothing is lovelier then you” – BoB

“heartbeats, heartbeats, beating hearts with _ _ _ _ , heartbeats, heartbeats” – Grum

those are just to name a few of many songs played right now on my iPhone jammin’. I hope this is a good thing. I am not one to do many things but when I do, they are meant to learn from. I just felt I had to get this out but couldn’t speak it out, but I can sure write it out. enjoy.

music for thoughts O_o

[this is how you would not start a paper, but this is how I was taught to try to put emphasis on something, enjoy.]

Define: EPIPHANY? according to to dictionaries epiphany is defined as a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience. it also is usually symbolically, such a moment of revelation and insight. well; while spending time with the family seemed like the right thing to today, there was a conversation about close relatives and the tone of voice that was used was very strong and powerful, when it hits me like a red school-like building crumbling on top of me that my family was throwing subconscious puns at me even though I was not involved in the situation.

when I visited my family several days ago they continued the ridicule and mocking that I never liked before, it felt as if my dignity was being stripped from me and being shown to everyone who I really was not and they assumed since I am “blood family” that I was becoming like them, in any way possible. I choose and was taught a better life to not be like “them,” I DO NOT want the things they have … yet! I need to continue doing what I need to do to get ahead. it is very hard work and will continue every single waking day of my life and from that am determined to succeed NO MATTER WHAT!!!

well with that floating in a mushy, grey, jello like substance above the eyes I came to the realization that I think I understand what happened several days ago. this was like seeing what I should have seen, everything became clearer and window clearer; I could be wrong but let me know otherwise. I think you think I am independent and on my feet and am the person I am today because was shown to be this way, I am like half-and-half milk, I know much but not everything, I would like too but if I am not shown I can not learn. people quote to “follow your heart and your mind will follow” well why can’t it be the other way around?

because scientifically speaking the heart is an organ that helps pump blood through the body where the mind; as beautiful as can be, is a state of mind where information is stored and saved away for a “rainy day,” In a dream, I continue to see smiles, laughs, and meets eye to eye with me. I awake knowing that it was a dream and if it could be like other dreams that have been events of premonitions and become a deja vu feeling that would be the most uplifting and grateful thing. I know you want to reach that “state,” everyone wants too; yes, even me! I know it was the hardest thing you had to do, but if you say it needed to happen for you to reach that “state,” let it be.

I am taking a wild guess and think you think that you may miss out on what eles is out there if this were to settle. I realized after hearing my folks everyone needs to stop telling me how to run my life and for me to take initiative and do what I think is the right thing to do. I think we are in the same part of the boat, but I just reached the same part with your help. you probably will not take credit for when I tell you, you have taught me from your doing. yes it is a hard thing to accept, I think I understand a little bit more of what you are thinking. how I never saw it that way is puzzling to me. I would like to know what you might be afraid to tell me.

the days feel like they are all the same and not being days but mini portions of events that are making things worse in my head. I just have to get some courage and I could find out what I need to, maybe a lot more, which I do hope for. that is not my decision to make.

to liking to know O_o

how hard is it to come up with an understanding agreement? why do you choose to “fight” me?! whether you like it or not, I am here now…time to get your facts straight and STOP making things up in your head and poisoning others with your VENOM. let me figure out what to do? if you have yourself figured out; GOOD. good for you & leave us in PEACE.

O_o