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i am writing in this way too early. it is nine at night and i am already falling asleep. i partially blame the medicine that i was taking. i produced and edited two songs today, took me just about all day. i had lost track of time on the most recent one for a tribute to tron: legacy the movie. the other song airplanes is still my favorite song and i figured why not. they came out good, different from what you would normally hear but good. i hope all are doing well. stay safe out there kiddos. time for me and my happy feeling medicine to sleep. good night and sweet dreams. take care.

O_o

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i don’t want to be mean but some people need to know what to say before they speak. i know you folks are misinformed but look it up. what i study shall not be brought up during work, especially when the boss is around. that is termination talk. i know you probably got mad when i wouldn’t explain myself, but what i do is my business. my religion has nothing to do with it, i told you as much as i wanted to so you could think about it and if you are interested you will look it up online.

on another not the semester is coming near a halt. i don’t know what i should do but i do know how to get there. as crazy as that sounds. i feel like just curling up in a dark room to see what happens. i have worked hard but what i really want is to work full time with what i have learned. i like working, i do not slack, i press on even though i am there fo a short period of time. i know what i was put on this earth to do. yes i figured it out mom and dad all by myself. there is one thing i am waiting for and i wish you would say it.

i have had to many things blow through my brain today. i wanted to relax and after work my parents wanted me to get them the third toy story, it was sad but really good. made me think a lot more after the movie. started looking for my journal and i found something, i had forgotten about it but not sure how to go at it. i wrote the few ideas down, if they work, they work! if they don’t then i will modify them until they do work. it is time to sleep, hope all had a good day. may you have a good night and sweet dreams.

O_o

what a spiraling day, it all started last night while dreaming; i was able to some how control the dream and what i did. it was as if my thought had a thought, i know it is hard to explain but it kind of reminded me of inception the movie, where they went into a dream state and in that dream state they had gone into another. i was thinking of what to do and my body would do just as i thought it. it was as if i could control my world. before i could get to controlling my dream i was woken up by my alarm. it was time for me to get up and get ready for school. after getting ready had some time and tried out the new coffee i had bought yesterday. it was really good. took off for school and learned a little bit more on the what was going on before the depression. i was awake, alert, excited to learn and what felt like a good mood. after leaving school to work i was early and decided to take some time and drive. made it to work and after heading inside is when the spiral of events began. everything went from good to bad to good to bad to good. by the time i knew it it was already time to go home. even though everything was spiraling out of control i remembered my dream and how i was controlling the dream, i did just that, i took the time to enjoy the slow traffic, in a sense that i was able to think in peace, without being distracted like usual when i get home. i had a lot to catch up on from school and work. i am taking time to get a really good grade, i am tired of failing. i don’t want to be a failure anymore. even though writing in my strong suit; i have too. i think i will be asking for help because i don’t know how to go about my research paper. i got the information but where do i sart; sort of thing. it is getting hard for me to think even though it is early. i just want to sleep. already ready for bed and going to sleep early. i hope all had a good day. good night and sweet dreams.

O_o

 

done with dinner, a while ago of course. i remembered after getting from work what today was. it is a mexican family tradition to honor the people who have passed away. i know the people who were closest in my life who i knew or even didn’t know that well are in a better place. i am still reminded everyday when i see a passing about my incident and how i am grateful for surveying. but i see life in a new perspective and i see the beauty in death now. i learned along time ago what not to do, ever since that day the haunting scares me every now and then. it is something i want to forget but at the same time if i do it may be possible it will occur again. i would rather not mess with my life or another, ever! i know what pain and distrust i caused and i am barely trying to gain that trust back. even with a busy day i doze off for a minute or two and had the strangest vertigo feeling after that i was jumped into a dream or quite possibly a hallucination, i don’t know if it was a dream or a view into the future but i can totally write that movie. and i found a mark in a book that pretty much gave me an answer i was looking for. the idea is still fresh and is written down, now just trying to figure out how to make it a hard-copy. got  few thing i will be starting after i finish with all of my school work. going to start on one right after hoping i have enough time. i will be starting a draft this weekend on my first camping trip in two years. sun, rain or even snow can’t stop my ideas but it sure can influence what happens next. i am very excited for this. i have done nothing but go to school and work, i am finally going to take a break from all technology, well almost, the will be a camera for documentation but that is about all the technology that will be with me. i hope all had a good day, it is time to sleep to start tomorrow refreshed and ready to do what needs to get done. good night and sweet dreams.

love O_o

 

what a day to remember! the whole day has felt kid-like, in a sense that just about everything i did made me feel like a kid again, it was an insane kind of feeling. started early too, i started watching television because it was already on and they were showing the little rascals; an old movie i like to watch when i was younger and could never stop laughing though it. as the day went on i remembered where i was on this day nine years ago, i was just fourteen years old and in my freshman algebra class when all of it went down, i remember everyone in my class being sad and glued to the tv to see what happened, class let out and i headed to my computer class when i found out that the second was hit and then they collapsed. i will never forget today and many other days as well. remembering is good, it shows you how things have were and how they have changed. spent some time with my family and friend, after that was still feeling like a kid that aladdin came on the television; this is another favorite movie of mine. it is sad that today has come and gone, i know it will never be forgotten though. hope everyone had a great day, at this moment i am very tired and done with the kid stuff for now, it is time to be a big person again. lol. have a safe and good night everyone. =)

never forgetting O_o

today was suppose to be a hard working day, got up; well tried too. something is wrong with my left foot, i took a blue pill last night and it made me follow the rabbit down the rabbit hole and it made me sleepy. i think the drugs that were administered made me paralyzed at night, i didn’t wake up at all, as if i was in a continuous dream. a strange one at that but anywho i couldn’t even walk when i heard tapping on the window. it was good ‘ol mr. rain. it was raining and from what i was suppose to do got delayed. going to make a second attempt tomorrow. hope i can do it on my damaged foot. i think i may have hyperextended it again, the first time was two winters ago when i made an attempt to quickly remove a boot i was trying on and couldn’t walk and the next time while i slept i got a charlie horse and this time i was in a way dazed that i think i may have pulled it while sleeping or from jogging up a hill quickly. i can deal with the pain, what i can’t deal with is not being able to walk correctly, i am waddling or wobbling everywhere. kind of reminds me of a penguin, not to mention i was dressed in black today and made the jokes come to easy for my parents. have tried everything to make the swelling go down but no luck. my parents said they would drive me to see a known chiropractor but he lives way far. going to keep wobbling on it and make the attempt to walk on it correctly. just popped in two red pills (pain killers) and we will see how bad it is tomorrow morning. hope everything is well. have a great night and a great day tomorrow.

alive & kicking O_o

i was woken up by a know it all, wasn’t a great morning. had to rant but enough of that; it is over and done with. with some delay i was able to get just enough rest to recover but still have some pain. as the day progressed it did just that. we worked hard and it paid off, literally. out of the blue my friend asked me if i would join him to see a movie and said sure, even though i was dead tired; but it is rare this happens and when it does i know there is a deeper meaning to just hanging out. sure enough i was right, we got to talking while i munched down on my bbq buffalo wings, everything spilled out, the movie wasn’t until midnight, well ten minutes before so we had a little time to spare. on our way to the theater more and more information was released, because all he needed was just a second opinion. while at the theaters a fight almost broke out, we were two rows behind it and saw everything, i did miss a small portion of the movie  because of them arguing because the second party was on the phone; i mean hello who does that?! step outside and take your call but not while the movie has already started. don’t want to spoil the movie but it involves dreaming. there was much hype on the movie and it turned out to be a great summer movie; i recommend everyone to see it. what they do in the movie has happen to me before but in real life, not by being hooked up to a machine. in conclusion, in a way i need to get out, needed to clear up the old noggin, everything at work, home  and brother moving away is all too much for one day. thanks but it is now time to rest. i hope you can figure out what you need to do.

to dreaming big O_o

some holiday this has been, a crappy one, i lay here writing this listen to music loudly because no one is here to tell me to turn it down. it started off with my parents arriving way early in the morning and deciding to leave when the sunrise would appear. they were telling me what they were going to do but was barely paying attention, i was halfway dreaming and half way awake. then *poof* they were gone. when i awoke i thought it was a lucid dream, it felt super real. well in reality it was. woke up to a dark and cold lonely deserted house with my dog sleeping near me, he looked so peaceful; dreaming of bones and swimming, that i tried to get up quietly and tried not to wake him. he senses me when i wake up all the time, as if we have a connected energy field that are simultaneously in sync with each other, he stretches then i stretch or vise versa. this is a trait or gift that i have with all living things. after that i get up and start on my homework.

after some time working the little guy says *rawr* and decide to make some brunch. decided to make something quick and made some tacos and gave him his portion of food for his brunch with a side dish of water. then went back to work.  a few hours later it was dinner time, didn’t have much to prep since i wasn’t feeding an army this time around but just for one and his dog. all i could find in the fridge was red meat and red meat products and discovered a hidden package that was successfully chicken, threw that together and prepped his next portion for dinner and his ice cold water. during that i open my computer and threw it on netflix, we began watching old school videos that popped up on the instant watch list. while watching that he decided to join me on the couch and lay across my legs to watch the movie. that movie brought back a lot of childhood memories.

on of the things on the movie towards the end was very intriguing to me, it was said that “things happen in your life that you can’t stop but it’s no reason to shut out the world” – crazy pete sims, which i now find to be very true, i have shut out a lot of people in my life in the past but after a certain incident i changed who i was and changed into the person i am and all know today. i learned to never hold grudges, to be considerate, also that the world doesn’t revolve around me and lots more. i have accepted a lot of imperfections i carry on my shoulders but pick up more weight each time i accept any, a repeating cycle that i think will never stop. i think! with each passing day i see what i see and do what i do to make the attempt to be on top, the struggle and mountain is there, but i know one day i can conquer it. as well as other mountain climbing expeditions that may come in my path of stepping. in conclusion i was just reminiscing and am wondering what will happen when the drive is complete? i don’t know and wonder if i should be afraid?!

to the now O_o

to sleep or not to sleep? that is the question, i now understand a bit more of my math work and all i had to do was ask questions after class, i have always felt embarrassed to ask, for one it was something so simple that i could probably have easily spent some time and browse through the book to find it and second because i have always felt that asking questions and getting help means i am incompetent and unable to get understand thoroughly. but today, for the first time in forever, i put my pride aside and stayed after class to ask the professor some questions because i needed help and that help would come in handy for tomorrows test. even with doing homework and notes it is still a bit difficult to understand so many formulas and steps that need to be followed before coming up with the simple answer. while i was running in the park trying to clear my brain of all the work i have been putting into my school work i felt that i needed to turn my attention my pain away from my bran and distract it for the time being before diving right in again. i still need a bit more help, if there is anyone out there that would like to scratch off a good deed of their list, i would really like some help! i saw this today and couldn’t help but write it down. “i am the master of my fate & i am the captain of my soul.” – Nelson Mandela (from the movie Invictus) was a great inspirational quote and was a great movie. i would like to one day say something that would be inspirational and would be used by others after i am gone. in conclusion i think i want to stay up and study like i have never studied before to get an “A” on my test tomorrow, should i or should i get rest and try my best?!

knowledge is power O_o

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after seeing a movie with my girlfriend last night; it was very inspiring and would dislike very much to feel the way the character felt, I have come to the conclusion that I would not like YOU to be mad or angry with ME anymore, I am trying my hardest. I know you don’t see it but I keep kicking myself in the ass everyday trying to figure ME out, I am very close and I CAN FEEL IT. I just need a little bit of more time. I would like to hear that you are proud of me…ONE DAY.

O_o

i’m continuing to watch this movie, over heard this saying “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” and it stuns me that society does tell us what we have to look. Why can’t we just be who we want to be?! I have this feeling that everyone around judges and i don’t mind it but it keeps reminding me of a song lyric “its funny how someone else success brings pain, when your no longer involved that person has it all and your just stuck there, just standing there.” I know I am not perfect and lack few qualities but I am doing my best and can only do so much, I AM TRYING, it is the only thing I know how to do. Can you [ACCEPT] this?

O_o